Hot Tub Time Machine and Other Sub-B Movies

25 Aug
Time Travel

Time Travel

Although time travel has yet to be proven, we know it exits via the seminal flick, Hot Tub Time Travel, which features John Cusak and friends settling in for a relaxing soak, only to be transported back to 1986. My own recent soak did not take me back quite so far, landing me instead in 1998. Recent success is reminiscent of 1998. I had suffered severe allergy symptons that spring, culiminating in an almost rideless June. Struggles to regain form in July nearly saw me quit cycling, but then in August the pollen count dropped, along with several pounds, and I began my rebound. I finished 8th in an all categories combined Crane Naval Station70 mile RR, traveled to Michigan where I placed 3rd in a Masters RR on a hard man course, and then landed in a 6-man break at Ft. Harrison that lapped the field on a 2.5 mile loop. Being the designated lead out man, I led my mates to 1st and 3rd on that day. Then finally, my day came on Labor Day in Lexington where I initiated the 4 man break that lapped the field and I won the sprint to cap a fine end of season. While Hot Tub Time Machine ranks as one of the worst movies of all time, more recent REALLY bad movies can be viewed on ScyFy channel, the home to Sharknado. We’ve already covered my morbid obsession with sharks, but my viewing of the ScyFy channel hasn’t been limited to sharks this summer. The channel tends to show movies such as Crocosaurus, Sharkasaurus, Megashark, Piranahaconda, and other such nonsense on Saturday afernoons.Megashark rips off original Batman

Megashark rips off original Batman

batman-sharkAs you can see in the photo to the upper left, Megashark threatens a helicopter rescue squad. But gee, haven’t we seen this somewhere before? In Jaws 2, or maybe it was 3, the shark consumes a helicopter, pilot and all, before turning its attention back to idiots willing to sail the monster infested waters. Oh, but wait, there is more… See the photo to the left. In the Original Batman Movie released in 1966, The Caped Crusader and Robin fend off a shark; from a helicopter, no less. Dangling from the rope ladder, Batman finds himself leg deep in a great white when he radios up to Robin to bring down the Bat Anti-Shark Repellent spray. (maybe this is the origin of my morbid obsession with sharks?)

As I prepared for the Terre Haute Criterium I knew I’d have to deal with Jim (The Shark) Creamer. Having reviewed all available shark defenses; super high voltage power line, high pressure gas tank to be blown up in shark’s mouth, or bat anti-shark repellent, I knew I’d have to go further back in time to 1966 in order to obtain the safest, most effective anti-shark defense.

Back here in the present the Terre Haute Crit. took place on a 1/2 mile circular course that featured a sharp incline out of turn 1 that led up to turn 2 where we fed into a stiff headwind all the way to turn 3, a very sharp, downhill, off camber corner that took some getting used to. Out of turn 3 it was about 300-350 meters downhill to the finish line, but on a road surface that rivals the pave of Paris Roubaix in roughness. After two warm up laps my teeth rattled around in my head like Sonny Liston’s after the Cassius Clay phantom punch sent the former champ reeling.

The Masters 40+ was a small field, to be expected at this time of year. After two laps, myself, John Schmitz and The Shark had dropped the others in the race. We rode civil, taking turns with 1-lap pulls, each rotating through with little impetus from the others.

Up the hill

Up the hill

Always thinking and strategizing, I constantly tested my two companions by pushing just a little harder up the hill and by pushing the pace from turn two into the wind to turn 3. I took turn 3 hard during my rotations on the front to guage how well John and The Shark stayed on my wheel through the turn. I noticed that both of the other two slowed the pace in the headwind section and I also noticed that Jim backed off slightly through turn 3, but I could still see his shadow as I peered under my arm, while when John followed me through the turn, he drifted far enough back to be out of sight when I peered for him. So the race boiled down to a race for turn 3 on the final lap. Whoever got there first would win the race. I made it my main objective to get to turn 3 of the final lap first. On said final lap, Schmitz hit the hill hard, gapping the shark just a bit. But the pace slowed over the top and Schmitz did not put up a fight when I went for the lead. I increased my speed into the wind hoping to fend off the shark attack as we approached turn 3. JFeeling very seal like, just to be safe, I pulled my can of Bat Anti-Shark Repellent spray and gave just a mist behind me right before we took the turn. It must have worked. I got through the turn, dropped down into my 12 and gave it everything I had for the line.

Podium

Podium

The Shark closed hard, pulling within half a bike as we crossed the line, but I held on for the win this time. Schmitz mishandled the turn such that he thought he was going to end up in the Wabash River, but after avoiding a possible time travel experience himself, he gave a burst that caught up to Jim and I as we crossed the line. I had registered for the 1,2,3 race but as I warmed up for the race my bike was making a gawd-awful clattering sound. I stopped to inspect the bike and found that my cassette had come loose due to the jarring road surface on the finish straight. As luck would have it, the neutral support crew from Jay’s Cycles of Terre Haute had packed up and left just 10 minutes before. I often remind you guys that when you get ready to ride and discover you have a flat or some other mechanical issue, it is usually a sign from life that you aren’t meant to do that ride. Having learned my lessons the hard way, I acquiesced to the sign and scrateched from the 1,2,3 race, and headed straight for the bike shop to tighten the cassette, before heading home.  I’m always pleased and proud when I hear success stories from those of you I coach. Yesterday’s CIBA ride was quite a scorcher, as described by many of you. Local pro, Jake, set the pace from mile one and never let up. 65 miles later, or in some cases 73 miles later, tired legs square-peddaled back to the start location. In between however, is where the successes occurred. Dr. Wilkes had planned to stop at the 25-mile SAG for bottle refills and several others agreed to do the same. However, the SAG appeared at mile 20. Dr. Wilkes pulled over and no one else did. David had no time to react, instead, quickly ramping up to speed and chasing back to the Jake-led peloton. Reaching a max speed of 34 mph, the doctor did catch back on, much to the amazement of his friends, Dr. Stevens and others. Wilkes admits he’d not have been able to make such a move in years past and gave credit to the training plan I’ve had him on this season. Great job Dr. Wilkes. Likewise, David Kaplan found himself 50 or 100 meters behind the very select Jake-led lead group at mile 60 or so. Kaplan had to dig deep from a large group to make the bridge back into contact with the leaders. Josh Ginsburg joined Kaplan on the dig and both made it back up to the group. Nice work, fellas. Community L’Espirit de CorpsOur Monday night ride continues to grow, with nearly 25 people last Monday night. This is an all-comers ride. No one gets dropped. The speed is 16-17 mph, the perfect anti-dote to a hard weekend of riding. Most folks enjoy a beer after the ride. I hope to see more of you on this ride in the coming weeks. A few groups have merged to form a Sunday morning ride from Smoky Row Elementary on Sunday mornings. We had 45 or 50 people riding socially with no crazy hammering today. Harry and Bri head up the ride, along with Frank and Mark Ohlman. It’s a pleasant way to spend a Sunday morning; low stress, among friends, and burning calories. We typically cover 45 or 50 miles. Those in attendance today included Eva, Andrea, Brian Murphy, Dr. Wilkes, Frank Oboh, David Kaplan, Brandon Thompson, Jim Creamer and many others. Additional miles can be added by riding over from Fishback. Look for this to continue until the weater turns for the worse. Racing continues next week in St. Louis: (oh no), the home of Big Shark Bicycles  😉

Can't Make This Stuff Up

Can’t Make This Stuff Up

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One Response to “Hot Tub Time Machine and Other Sub-B Movies”

  1. dennzio davidzoni August 26, 2013 at 9:13 pm #

    Congrats for repelling the shark Bob….and kudos to Smooth as Silk Wilkes

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